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AdminPermalink Reply by Bob Cheney on August 16, 2011 at 4:07pm

I thought the following listing was appropriate... after all, the kids have all their little codes...like BFF (best friends forever), LOL (laugh out loud) , OMG (Oh my God) etc.  So here are some codes for seniors:  ATD - At the Doctor's  BFF - Best Friends Funeral  BTW - Bring the Wheelchair  BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth  CBM - Covered by Medicare  CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center DWI - Driving While Incontinent  FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers  FWIW - Forgot Where I Was  FYI - Found Your Insulin  GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low GHA - Got Heartburn Again  HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement  IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?  LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out  LOL - Living on Lipitor  SDTM – Shout Dirty To Me  OMMR - On My Massage Recliner  OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas  ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up! TTYL - Talk to You Louder  WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?  WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again  WTP - Where's the Prunes  WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil  Hope these help!  GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

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AdminPermalink Reply by Bob Cheney on August 16, 2011 at 4:13pm

      World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and whiskey and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. 

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AdminPermalink Reply by Bob Cheney on August 16, 2011 at 4:24pm

That’s silly,” Brooke said. “Jelly beans won’t grow.”

Matthew filled a pot with dirt. “Why not? Lima beans grow. Kidney beans grow. Even green beans grow. Why not jelly beans?” He dug a small hole and dropped in three jelly beans.

Brooke leaned closer. She wrinkled her nose. “Jelly beans won’t grow.”

Matthew placed his pot on the front porch. He watered it every morning. He sprinkled it with sugar every afternoon.

Brooke walked by every day. “Jelly beans won’t grow,” she called from the sidewalk.

A week passed. Two weeks passed. Matthew watered his jelly beans and sprinkled them with sugar. Nothing happened.

“I told you,” Brooke said. “Jelly beans won’t grow.”

It had been two weeks and two days. Matthew stepped onto the porch. The morning sun was warm. He lifted his watering can.

“Hey!” Matthew yelled. He dropped to his knees and stared at his pot. Three tiny green shoots had popped through the dirt.

“Jelly beans will grow,” Matthew whispered.

Brooke marched down the street. She glanced up at Matthew. She opened her mouth to call.

“Wait!” Matthew called. “Come look!”

Brooke closed her mouth. She climbed the porch steps and stood beside Matthew. She looked at the tiny green plants. Her mouth dropped open again.

“My jelly beans are growing.”

Twice a day, Matthew watered the shoots. He sprinkled sugar on them.

Brooke came to watch. “The plants might grow but you’ll never get jelly beans,” she said.

The shoots grew taller and thicker. They twisted around each other and reached for the sky. Leaves covered the stems. The weeks went by. The plant kept growing but there was no sign of jelly beans.

“You’ll never get jelly beans,” Brooke said.

Matthew watered his jelly bean tree twice every day. He sprinkled the roots with sugar. He waited. His tree grew. He waited some more. His tree grew bigger.

Brooke stopped coming onto the porch. “You’ll never get jelly beans!” she called from the sidewalk.

It had been two months and two weeks and two days. Matthew stepped onto the porch. The morning sun was cool. Matthew lifted his watering can.

“Hey!” He said.

His tree was covered with small colorful flowers. There were hundreds of them.

Brooke marched down the street. “You’ll never get jelly beans,” she called.

Matthew smiled. “I think you’re wrong,” he whispered.

Matthew watered his jelly bean tree twice every day. He sprinkled the roots with sugar. The small colorful flowers dropped off and left tiny round beans. They were red, blue, yellow, green and purple. They grew a little bigger each day.

When the beans were exactly the right size, Matthew picked them. He ate a red one. He ate a blue one. He ate a yellow one.

Brooke marched down the street. “You’ll never get jelly beans!” she called.

Matthew laughed. “Brooke! Come look!”

Brooke climbed onto the porch. Her eyes grew wide as she stared at the tree.

Matthew grinned. He held out a handful of color. “Want a jelly bean?”

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AdminPermalink Reply by Bob Cheney on August 16, 2011 at 4:26pm

Classic one liners.......only the best ...........      > My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you > believe that 2:30am?! > Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. > I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept > thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an > erection...but she did.   > The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a > vacuum cleaner. > F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death. > Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? > All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. > Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. > "F*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go     blind"    Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" > The operator says how do you know? > He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! > I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the > biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"     I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. > They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a > dating agency. > Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and > some b***d's sent me a magnifying glass!   > I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! > At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.  > My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. > Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.   > I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the > foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. > > What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? > One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.   > Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going > fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should > change dentists?   > I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get > reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said i > would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g > listening.     Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and  suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.   > I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. > She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking > to the beer.   > The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back..   > Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the > casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.

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AdminPermalink Reply by Bob Cheney on August 16, 2011 at 4:34pm

You know you're Australian if.... You know the meaning of 'girt' You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Jule-Ya! You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin' You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff' You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas' You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard' You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy' You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber' You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u' You wear ugg boots outside the house You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse' You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies' You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours' When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants. You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand!!

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AdminPermalink Reply by Bob Cheney on August 17, 2011 at 3:29pm

 Subject: FW: Fw: Fwd: The garbage Collector

 

 

  

 

A refuse collector in Cairns , Australia , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.   He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the Front door and knocks. There's no answer.   Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.   Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.   "Harro!" says the Chinese man.   "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.   "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.   Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.   "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"   "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.   "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"   "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.   "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

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AdminPermalink Reply by Bob Cheney on August 17, 2011 at 3:32pm

This is so tasteless, It cries out to be shared!  Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...  Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting Over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.  The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her Handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.  ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''  ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' Says the other mother cheerfully.  "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.  "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.  ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''  ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''  ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.  ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.  ''And this is my third son.  My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have  been 18'', She whispers.  "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''  ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, With tears in her eyes.  After a pause and a deep sigh, The second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . ... .    "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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AdminPermalink Reply by Bob Cheney on August 17, 2011 at 3:33pm

 Subject: Fw: The New Alphabet

 

 

 

New  Alphabet A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a  bit more realistic instead.  Now The   Alphabet:  A's for  arthritis; B's the bad  back, C's the chest  pains, perhaps  car-d-iac?  D  is for dental  decay and decline, E is for  eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for  fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas  which I'd rather not mention.  H high blood  pressure--I'd rather it low. I for incisions  with scars you can show. J is for  joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees  that crack when they bend. L 's for  libido, what happened to sex? M is for  memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia,  in nerves way down low. O is for osteo,    bones that don't grow!  P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.  S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.  W for worry,  now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y for another  year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have - in my   mind!      I've  survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,   and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

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AdminPermalink Reply by Bob Cheney on August 17, 2011 at 3:34pm

Subject: FW: Sensitive Husband

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. 

He asks if there is a problem.  One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.  

The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.  

The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."  
 
The guy says, "Yeah, I know.  But she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

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AdminPermalink Reply by Pat Patteey, Admin on September 30, 2011 at 2:20pm

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AdminPermalink Reply by John Williams on August 17, 2011 at 5:05pm

Very good, I will have to learn a few.

GGLKI

John

Bob Cheney said:

I thought the following listing was appropriate... after all, the kids have all their little codes...like BFF (best friends forever), LOL (laugh out loud) , OMG (Oh my God) etc.  So here are some codes for seniors:  ATD - At the Doctor's  BFF - Best Friends Funeral  BTW - Bring the Wheelchair  BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth  CBM - Covered by Medicare  CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center DWI - Driving While Incontinent  FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers  FWIW - Forgot Where I Was  FYI - Found Your Insulin  GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low GHA - Got Heartburn Again  HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement  IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?  LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out  LOL - Living on Lipitor  SDTM – Shout Dirty To Me  OMMR - On My Massage Recliner  OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas  ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up! TTYL - Talk to You Louder  WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?  WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again  WTP - Where's the Prunes  WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil  Hope these help!  GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

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MWFPermalink Reply by David McKendrick on August 23, 2011 at 5:57pm

Nine day week

Attachments:

• 9 days per week (2).jpg, 40 KB

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